Goodbye

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation."

- RUMI

I let go of you truly, here and now. You will always be a part of me dear. A big, important, painful one. Damned if we can't say we didn't try. It wasn't meant to be because it wasn't, and would never be, what we thought it was. I am grateful to be letting each other go, because at least now we know for fucking sure that's the better thing for us both, in almost every way that I can imagine.

Primal Passions

"As often as not, it seems to be assumed that man has his being independently of his passions. I affirm, on the other hand, that we must never imagine existence except in terms of these passions... "

- Georges Bataille 

June Nights

Don't know why clicking sounds in music are like the most comforting thing.



Caress of sheets at 11:40 am.

The night before, sat outside the strip mall in giant leather platform boots with Megan tearing apart friend chicken cause we hadn't eaten all day. I came home and packed water and apple schnapps and set off to see if I could successfully scale the pool fence and go for a swim at night. YES. Could have left my leg below the right knee hanging on the fence but still that after-dip-nighttime sweetness. Like bare feet in wet grass. Or crying. Or vicodin.

The Calm, After Panic

Leaves you

with a strange

open

Water

I couldn't stand the feeling of being in my own skin today, like every other day. Only today, I had less than usual to take me out.

I drew a bath, and got in at 2 inches full, and pulled the lever up so that the water came out the shower tap, sputtered into my face. Beat down on my eyelids. Every day padded, stupid-numbing-comfy-middle-class-life gives us endless fodder for complaints but doesn't push the edges of discomfort anywhere near enough, If it does, it's a scandal. If we do it to ourselves, eh. Here have some valium.

I got into the tub with all my clothes on. Tried to ignore the extra skin. I got this base psychological eval once that asked me if I felt "averse to the idea of having any fat on your body." I didn't check yes. Although the answer is without a doubt yes. The reason I like being immersed in water is cause I usually feel too frantic to think about it.

I pushed myself under the water, to where it goes up my nose. I don't know how people do that in movies where they immerse themselves in tubs without needing to come up right away. I kicked my legs and trashed and came out and sat on the couch and felt better than I'd felt in ages.

Then I sat down on the couch sopping wet, and read some of the most moving words I've ever read, on solitary confinement and felt disgusted at all the comforts available to me. But since I continue to abuse myself with them, somehow that made me feel a little better. This isn't my ending note.



I don't know how to make it remove this fucking picture.

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE

NIN

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.


You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have


You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.


Come on tell meYou make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

As Close As I'll Ever Get to Jesus

I can't stop listening to this. It gives me chills.

What happens when life breaks down?

When there is systemic contradiction?

My name symbolized all that was corrupt to society.

His name symbolized all that was pure.

And I was being hailed in the embrace of the man who was pure.

And these inviolable sanctities were preserved in those ten words.

And it is the de-sacralization of all of these that has put us in the mess that we find ourselves.

Isn't it true, alas it is much worse.

A person may end up believing in anything.

You know, if that human acceptance does so much for you and me.

Think of what it is when God himself puts his arms around you and says

"Welcome home".