Dream thoughts

Kept waking up out of dream-word-image-thoughts, clutching at my pen and book, and emerged with this:

Against frequencies of velvet backs and hands on collarbones splayed

So much time, the middle world
So much time, big girl

tuation

"People who are in love are often more sensitive to everything, and when they aren't with their lover they're apt to prefer being alone to focus on a mental construction of their lover."

http://www.vice.com/read/were-infatuated-with-the-ardorous

Suffer to Know

I studied Philosophy so that I would never find myself in a situation where I had based everything, thrown everything, and believed unfailingly in a truth, or a system of truths, that somehow I later learned I was illusioned about, that it is fact not true, not worth believing in.

Instead, I float around, searching for a truth that looks appealing and functional enough to set my feet down on. Which one will put into trance? Which one will succeed enough in casting its illusion over me so that I don't know the difference. Please just give me something solid to believe in, and undo in me the work, and the education that makes me constantly question, makes me find the flaws in every structure of truths. There are always unspoken assumptions and hidden value judgments. I don't want to be able to discern them anymore. 

Ironic, too that I just canceled my appointment to get 'aude sapere' tattooed on my upper arm.

The State of Things

World

Mind

I really do feel that to live in this society, I have to dumb myself down.

Amazing Beautiful Destroyed Trash Fuck Culture

Marilyn Manson Medicine

Marilyn Manson providing just the right medicine for the usual cocktail of pain, frustration, fear, anger, dark satisfaction. Today, amplified.

"...all the shifts and shimmerings that combine to make up a single human emotion..."

Soldier

"My buddies always warned me: 'Don't get grounded; once you're grounded, you're done for.' Well, they grounded me, too. Too many rear-gunners in the service. I didn't want to come home. What's civilian life? Good for old maids. It's a rut. It's a drab. Look at this: the young girls giggle, giggle at nothing. The boys are after me. Nothing ever happens. They don't laugh hard, they don't yell. They don't get hurt, and they don't die, and they don't laugh either...
....I wish I were there now, drinking with them, flying, seeing new countries, new faces, sleeping in the desert, feeling you may die any moment and so must drink fast, and fight hard, and laugh hard."

Poetry won't come out right. I am too grounded. Is that what being an adult is? Being too grounded for any beauty and passion and pain to come out of you? I feel like a soldier who has returned from war. Constantly.