Push The Sky Away

This took me a few listens, as it's taken me years to accustom myself to the much deeper and slower-strided pace of Nick Cave's music. Any artist that doesn't evolve, one shouldn't take with them through the changes and growth that life inevitably brings. Those artists whom, in my opinion, have, I do bring with me. And while I prefer the sounds of some of his albums over others, he is certainly one of those, and many of his later albums contain true pieces of gold, true art ("As I Sat Sadly By Her Side," for instance. I don't listen to rest of that album all that much). This album contains one such song, namely, the one after the title, "Push The Sky Away" which, to be honest, had I first listened to in a state other than in bed drifting in a half-dream state, I might not have felt the full impact of. Its sound is haunting and majestic, but the simplicity of the lyrics surprised me at first for Nick Cave's style. I feel the same about the whole album, which is maybe why it's taken me more than one listen to start to truly appreciate. The song-writing definitely does not have the same liquid poetry, grandiloquent dance of words sort of sound as much of his other music (along his fiction and other writing).

Listen to this song walking by yourself on a cold or wet day; listen to it in the dark in quiet solitude or with someone you love and trust who will truly appreciate its beauty and depth with you. And be haunted. And be rapt. And be transformed.

...And if your friends think
That you should do it different
And if they think
That you should do it the same

You've got to just
Keep on pushing
Keep on pushing
Push the sky away

And if you're feeling
You've got everything you came for
If you got everything
And you don't want no more

You've got to just
Keep on pushing
Keep on pushing
Push the sky away

And some people
Say it's just rock'n roll
Oh, but it gets you
Right down to your soul

It stays with me like a dark lullaby. 

From what rests on the surface one is led into the depths

above

below

In The Land of Gods and Monsters

Lisbeth Salander Painting

Born to Die

Despite the part of myself I consider better and and appreciative of more sophisticated things  than that which popular culture swallows down without much, or any thought, I have a confession to make, and that's that I've found enjoyment, beauty, peaceful solitude and pain in Lana Del Rey, and have, after several days of listening almost nonstop, deemed her her "Born to Die" worthy of my list of most beautiful albums ever made, to me.

I have enjoyed few music videos this much, especially those of really well-known artists - despite its instagram-in-motion quality, it absolutely has art and thought and creative work and love put into it.

Hansoo Lee & Thoughts On Universal Justice

Do you believe the universe has a justice system? Ask me on any other day and I would say absolutely not; justice, right & wrong are human engineered concepts, nature does not know good/bad, right/wrong, good/evil, it simply is.

I attended my first memorial service in over ten years tonight. It was for an individual I had only met for a few moments, but someone I can say this of: he left this world way too early – a trite statement as long as the person it’s spoken of isn’t full of ambition and light and promise as he was. Often when a person dies young it’s attributable to a drug overdose, car crash, motorcycle accident – some lifestyle choice or other with expected consequences that statistically must manifest. This beautiful human being died of lung cancer at 35, having taken top care of his body and never smoked a day in his life. He is the brother of one of the surgeons I work for, and not one ounce less brilliant. The project he was working on during and after having graduated from Berkeley is an online standardized test prep service that provides a solid & affordable alternative to the giants/monopolists like Kaplan and Princeton Review. His business is called Magoosh. I actually made some use of Magoosh while studying for my GREs, and it was extremely helpful. So in a way, he played a part in my working toward my lifelong dream, and getting into my PhD program. At the time most students in business school go out and look for internships to work for other companies and learn the lay of the land, Hansoo decided to just...start his own business.

When I find myself thinking about his death...my insides shout, “This simply does not seem fair;” and thus my own in-built expectation that the world at large would look out for people like this, brings itself to the surface, that there must be some kind of justice to the universe, that such a vibrant, intelligent, and enterprising human being who has participated in no way whatsoever in a lifestyle that might put him at risk for such a lethal disease would be given the chance to continue to live, love, create, grow, and contribute to positive changes well into old age, and deepen the propitious mark on the world that he began. However ridiculous a justice system belonging to the universe, pure and independent of human bias, history, opinion may seem… I can't escape the sensation infiltrating my heart that...this...just, isn't, fair. 

His family & friends set up a fellowship at UC Berkeley in his name and his honor, for the Haas business school, to be awarded to new students in their first two years. If you or anyone you know has experienced the plight of graduate student life and struggled to gather together crumbs of income, you know what a difference an award like this can make in one person's life, even for just one year. I had to donate, even a modest contribution. Here's the information for supporting future students in the name of this wonderful human being: The Hansoo Lee Fellowship.

Read more about Hansoo; there's plenty online. Even his obit reads more like a vibrant biography than an announcement of death.  As I said, I did not know him, but there are few real-life stories of life, love, and loss that I feel so moved by. As more than one of his friends said tonight: "a true loss for all that is good in this world.", "the world has lost such an amazing, kind soul."


Philosophical Exploration/Addendum:  

This subject sparked a conversation with a friend of mine later on last night, who rightly pointed out that my above articulation (that, despite myself, my emotional reaction appears to be revealing my belief in some kind of universal justice), is a case of what sceptics refer to as "the just world fallacy" -  the illusory belief that there is some kind of universal justice involved in human fate, when in fact the only meaning that exists in the world is the meaning we bring to it. Intellectually I do believe the sceptics and the existentialists are correct here. But the human need to believe there is more going on than that, and our power to do so, is quite remarkable. Ultimately, I am of the mindset that if a system of beliefs 1) doesn't harm yourself or anyone else 2) serves you better than to not maintain it, then it's better than not doing so. I'm not an advocate of truth for truth's sake. "Truth" should be what serves our greater good - our sense of self, our confidence, our will to be alive, and treat our fellow creatures with care and respect. MANY people will disagree with that, but eh. They can take the blue pill and eat nasty tasteless food and resign themselves to the horribleness of reality. I'd rather enjoy my life. If you find the idea of defining "truth" as what serves us and enhances our lives abhorrent and completely wrong, give just a few moments' thought to the fact that even the way in which we define our physical environment (separating mountain/valley, leaf/stem, dry/wet) are human ways of carving up the world. Some creature of significantly different scale (size) and with an entirely different set of senses at its disposal would certainly define things differently. So in a sense we are already defining what is true/not true based on what serves our needs as human creatures. But obviously our needs go far beyond physically navigating the world we find ourselves in, and in situating ourselves in it.

The 19th Century British philosopher William James - one very near and dear to my heart - went so far as to say that a definition of "truth" or theories of how the world functions that do not fulfill basic human need to have something of substance to believe in is not a definition that cannot prevail. As long as we are, in a sense, makers of our own world insofar as we choose how to define it - he said - why not uphold a definition of the universe that satisfies our emotional, spiritual psychological needs, as long as we're in the business of servicing our other more immediate needs as well? He believed that theories about the world we live in that do not substantiate our basic emotional, spiritual and psychological needs will simply not prevail, which he articulated in a couple of beautiful essays, The Sentiment of Rationality (PDF version here) and The Will to Believe. The latter is religious but holds much of interest to those not necessarily religiously inclined. I choose to believe he is right. I believe even the driest, most sceptical and heard-headed scientist holds in his/her heart at least some morsel of this...dare I say...Romanticist view.

One quote from James in the Sentiment of Rationality captures my thoughts exactly:

"If thought is not to stand forever pointing at the universe in wonder, if its movement is to be diverted from the issueless channels of purely theoretic contemplation, let us ask what conception of the universe will awaken active impulses capable of effecting this diversion. A definition of the world which will give back to the mind the free motion which has been blocked in the purely contemplative path may so far make the world seem rational again." 

Thoughts On Aging

I have begun to notice the ways in which my face is starting to show signs of change, of growing a little older, and I love it. The lines that stay a little longer when I express emotion with the muscles, and the bumps and scars are stories of having lived through a thing or two, of having laughed a lot, cried a lot, of having felt, and they carry important memories with them, memories to celebrate and cherish as well as ones to learn from. I see my Dad, I see my beautiful Nana in my own face. Like the time I found my first gray hairs (they came in a pair), I failed to understand why most people today feel such a need to reject and change that beautiful process called aging. Erasing lines like erasing stories and marks of journeys. Why would anyone want to do that unless the underlying desire was to erase their life?

Time Jesum Transeuntum Et Non Riverentum

I'm making a Nick Cave mix for my husband, burning Sri Sai Flora & Nag Champa, sour and sweet - having drunk sake & absinthe and on my walk home observed many of my ordinarily perfunctory actions and made a point to commit them to conscious memory - observing the people and the environment surrounding me, thinking about how I walk and carry myself, thinking on the perhaps lucky fact that I have lived in this city for 24 years, Paris and Chicago for two, walked at early anti meridian hours through some of the most abject and desperate neighborhoods and have never once been assaulted. Thought about what I might say to other young women unfamiliar with life in a major city. I thought much about so many projects I wish to pursue, things I want to create and leave in the world. It feels so good right now, here, to be here, with our blue icicle lights and candles and dessert wine glasses and beautiful home. I am so grateful for it. I know so many many people will be sleeping on the streets tonight, and the next night, and the night after that. Some people will die there.

Beauty and haunting influenced my mind as I walked, particularly by the Hariku Murakami book I am reading now (gift from my husband), taking me to Alice In Wonderland-like places. I saw walls where one can tell there was once a door. I adore them; they mystify me. They make me yearn for other worlds they would lead me to, the worlds my child-self know are there.

Each of these songs makes me cry and die inside sweetly just a little bit. The darkest tears buried most deeply, the most real. That is what this music does to me. Tugs at the very core of me, because it is so unpretentiously honest, and evokes that same most raw emotion from me that it displays in itself. If what we surround ourself with are mirrors for who we are, I couldn't be more proud that anything other than this feels that it is the most honest and true refection of myself. It may be imperfect by some standards, but to me the things that are soul at the expense of apparent technical excellence are the most perfect of all. And if there is any way I might define my own self - greatly lacking in precision but heavy and real and raw with soul -  that is how it would be.