It's 5:54 AM and sometimes you just have to paint

I have finals next week. It's 5:55am I haven't slept just had to paint boy is sleeping beautiful and comfy on the couch near me I should've gone to sleep so many hours ago.

I'll make you proud someday, I just won't be around to see your face

I used to think about you when I listened to this song when I was at my worst, at the midpoint that marked the longest time in between when I knew you last, and first met you again.

Carissa's Weird - So You Wanna Be A Superhero

there's banging on the wall
it's 5 am i've no sleep at all
just thoughts of how i might
struggle through tomorow
too much time in one day
too much time to occupy
with boring thoughts
boring moods
boring bedtimes
won't tell a single soul
that my soul's gone
it's hard to write this song
it's all a joke
it's all been wrote down by 
someone's that' probably dead

i might be leaving soon
i might be leaving soon

there's laughter from below
it's 1 am how could you have known
the thoughts of silence
that keep me from going 
back to sleep at night
wish i could call someone i love
to stop thinking of myself
long look in the mirror,
just look so empty

you were right
i can't do this
i'm going crazy
it's fine by me
now you can see
how much i've become empty

i might be leaving soon
i might be leaving soon
i might be leaving soon

my dreams full of what's not real
i'll fly away and save the world
i'll make you proud someday
i just won't be around to see your face
my life is full of what's not here
i'll go away and save myself
i'll make you proud today
i just won't be around to see your face

Moonrise Kingdom

Yesterday it was his birthday, and our two year wedding anniversary. We went back to the ocean - we always do - waded into the nighttime waters and braved crashing waves. We used my scarf as a blanket and felt and watched and listened and imprinted images of the black beach and grey-dawn crests of waves, the bright planets and constellations, the feeling of sand between toes and keeping each other warm in between the usual barely contained conversations. We ran back to our room and had our ceremonious de-sanding of shoes and clothes. Cold skin, warm room, warm sheets, warm skin and bodies.

We got tattoos across our ribs of Moonrise Kingdom. So fitting and so appropriate in every way. In every way that it represents a place that exists in our minds as a mixture of memory and fantasy - both a physical place and a true kingdom of heart and spirit that belongs only to us. A place that is preserved forever there but in real life in the story is washed away. In our hearts we are children together - and that is when we are at our best. That kingdom will always be in my heart, and it always be a real place in which we share.

Today he brought me home a bottle of Calvados that comes from Normandy. It's fiery and cold and wintry and smooth.

I love my boy. That love will always be a kingdom, and it always has been.  And it was before we ever even knew each other.