Goodbye

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation."

- RUMI

I let go of you truly, here and now. You will always be a part of me dear. A big, important, painful one. Damned if we can't say we didn't try. It wasn't meant to be because it wasn't, and would never be, what we thought it was. I am grateful to be letting each other go, because at least now we know for fucking sure that's the better thing for us both, in almost every way that I can imagine.

Primal Passions

"As often as not, it seems to be assumed that man has his being independently of his passions. I affirm, on the other hand, that we must never imagine existence except in terms of these passions... "

- Georges Bataille 

June Nights

Don't know why clicking sounds in music are like the most comforting thing.



Caress of sheets at 11:40 am.

The night before, sat outside the strip mall in giant leather platform boots with Megan tearing apart friend chicken cause we hadn't eaten all day. I came home and packed water and apple schnapps and set off to see if I could successfully scale the pool fence and go for a swim at night. YES. Could have left my leg below the right knee hanging on the fence but still that after-dip-nighttime sweetness. Like bare feet in wet grass. Or crying. Or vicodin.

The Calm, After Panic

Leaves you

with a strange

open

Water

I couldn't stand the feeling of being in my own skin today, like every other day. Only today, I had less than usual to take me out.

I drew a bath, and got in at 2 inches full, and pulled the lever up so that the water came out the shower tap, sputtered into my face. Beat down on my eyelids. Every day padded, stupid-numbing-comfy-middle-class-life gives us endless fodder for complaints but doesn't push the edges of discomfort anywhere near enough, If it does, it's a scandal. If we do it to ourselves, eh. Here have some valium.

I got into the tub with all my clothes on. Tried to ignore the extra skin. I got this base psychological eval once that asked me if I felt "averse to the idea of having any fat on your body." I didn't check yes. Although the answer is without a doubt yes. The reason I like being immersed in water is cause I usually feel too frantic to think about it.

I pushed myself under the water, to where it goes up my nose. I don't know how people do that in movies where they immerse themselves in tubs without needing to come up right away. I kicked my legs and trashed and came out and sat on the couch and felt better than I'd felt in ages.

Then I sat down on the couch sopping wet, and read some of the most moving words I've ever read, on solitary confinement and felt disgusted at all the comforts available to me. But since I continue to abuse myself with them, somehow that made me feel a little better. This isn't my ending note.



I don't know how to make it remove this fucking picture.

SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE

NIN

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.


You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have


You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.
This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.


Come on tell meYou make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

As Close As I'll Ever Get to Jesus

I can't stop listening to this. It gives me chills.

What happens when life breaks down?

When there is systemic contradiction?

My name symbolized all that was corrupt to society.

His name symbolized all that was pure.

And I was being hailed in the embrace of the man who was pure.

And these inviolable sanctities were preserved in those ten words.

And it is the de-sacralization of all of these that has put us in the mess that we find ourselves.

Isn't it true, alas it is much worse.

A person may end up believing in anything.

You know, if that human acceptance does so much for you and me.

Think of what it is when God himself puts his arms around you and says

"Welcome home".

gone (blog author's poem)

the colours and lines 

of violence wrapped 
around limbs, speak:

souls are holes torn open.

strain only fear 
strictness and balm
not real at all.

loneliness is shadows at the edge of near-periphery
where color-blindness starts

home is an empty horrific
nostalgia

familiar, comfort, carnivore

the aegis of that dark...

midnight-sky-heavy, 
keeps bones 
dead-star warm

∆AIMON Into The Night

Everything about this is how I feel right now. Can't get out of the Black Lodge. Can't stop screaming or crying just, suspended in that place.

Listening to Witchhouse and painting demons.

(original by Julie Cruise)

Into the night
I cry out
I cry out your name.
Into the night
I search out
I swearch out your love.
Night so dark
Where are you? 
Come back in my heart
So dark
So dark.

Into the night
Shadows fall
Shadows fall so blue.
I cry out
I cry out for you.

Night so dark
Where are you? 
Come back in my heart
So dark
So dark
So dark.

Keep Your Candles Burning, Make Bright and Clear Your Path...

I'm sure this is an unoriginal heartbreak song. I don't care. 

NICK CAVE - Into My Arms

I don't believe in an interventionist God
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I don't believe in the existence of angels
But looking at you I wonder if that's true
But if I did I would summon them together
And ask them to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Christ, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

And I believe in Love
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candles burning
And make her journey bright and pure
That she will keep returning
Always and evermore

Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms

Quietness

Inside this new love, die.
Your way begins on the other side.
Become the sky.
Take an axe to the prison wall.
Escape.
Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.
Do it now.
You are covered with thick cloud.
Slide out the side. Die.
and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign
that you have died.
Your old life was a frantic running
from silence.

The speechless full moon
comes out now.

RUMI

And The Air Is Full Of Promises, Well Buddy, You've Been Warned

I Let Love In

NICK CAVE

Despair and Deception, Love's ugly little twins
Came a-knocking on my door, I let them in
Darling, you're the punishment for all of my former sins

I let love in
I let love in

The door it opened just a crack, but Love was shrewed and bold
My life flashed before my eyes, it was a horror to behold
A life-sentence sweeping confetti from the floor of a concrete hole

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

Well I've been bound and gagged and I've been terrorized
And I've been castrated and I've been lobotomized
But never has my tormenter come in such a cunning disguise

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone

O Lord, tell me what I done
Please don't leave me here alone
Where are my friends?
My friends are gone

I let love in
I let love in

So if you're sitting all alone and hear a-knocking at you door
and the air is full of promises, well buddy, you've been warned
Far worse to be Love's lover than the lover that Love has scorned

I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in
I let love in

I know when I've landed on Nick Cave again, oceans are moving inside my soul, I have reached a place of truth and calm and change. 

To Rest in These Dregs of Flood Residue, Pure and Empty

Flood Residue

RUMI

The taste of today is not that of yesterday.

A pot boils over.

A watchman calls down the ladder,

Did you hear the commotion last night

from the seventh level?

Saturn turns to Venus and tells her

to play the strings more gently.

Taurus milk turns red. Leo slinks from the sky.

Strange signs, because of a word

that comes from the soul

to help us escape speaking and concepts.

I answer the nightwatchman,

You will have to assign meanings

for these ominous events.

I have been set free from the hunt,

the catching and being caught,

to rest in these dregs

of flood residue, pure and empty

Transportation

Swooning so hard to creations of my own making, both beautiful and destructive and a transfixed awe at those that magically combine both, like Nicolas Winding Refn films.

Like marveling at the beauty of a storm in slow motion, wreaking violent havoc and destruction on bodies, but exquisite in its motions.

I can feel it in my jaws. Like a tingling. Like a spiraling of sky haze.

Music being one of those most transporting things...

Unititled 2.20.1

The vibrancy of things

Fades in

And out

When my body feels to moved to break

My best is shoving my palms into my eyelids

Wondering what they take

It shows me what I see right before I get so sick

Migraine auras are the mind’s internalized Pavlovian response to fear the magical

Sedated.

The Night

So tired, so fundamentally lacking in sleep, so needing it for the heavily-pressing demands on me, my mind, and my time and my ability to use all of that with aplomb.

But something happens to me at night, as it starts to approach midnight. The night gives me freedom, space to breathe, to create, to write, to read, to exist in the palace of my internal world that I have built and lavishly adorned with utmost care and painstaking, year after year, day after day, moment after moment.

That, and, sleep frightens me for the bridge it is to the morning I wake up in. The weight of it.

Garbage - Cup of Coffee

I listened to this song for years after we first parted ways. 

"You told me you don't love me 
Over a cup of coffee 
And I just have to look away 
A million miles between us 
Planets crash into dust 
I just let it fade away 

I'm walking empty streets 
Hoping we might meet 
I see your car parked on the road 
The light on at your window 
I know for sure that you're home 
But I just have to pass on by 

So no, of course, we can't be friends 
Not while I'm still this obsessed 
I guess I always knew the score 
This is how our story ends 

I smoke your brand of cigarettes 
And pray that you might give me a call 
I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls 
Hanging round bars at night 
Wishing I had never been born 
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home 

So no, of course, we can't be friends 
Not while I still feel like this 
I guess I always knew the score 
This is where our story ends 

You left behind some clothes 
My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor 
My friends all say they're worried 
I'm looking far too skinny 
I've stopped returning all their calls 

And no, of course, we can't be friends 
Not while I'm still so obsessed 
I want to ask where I went wrong 
But don't say anything at all 

It took a cup of coffee 
To prove that you don't love me"


I always pictured your house in the Presidio when she sings "light on at your window, I know for sure that you're home," thought of all the times my heart skipped beats looking at the license plates of every white Mercedes I saw, hoping they would be the ones from your mom's car that I had committed to memory.

I thought of the pants and shirt of yours you gave me that I wore to sleep in every night for years.

Poem from 8/2004

About deciding to get clean

I remember the sickness of this bedroom.

I remember forfeiting to the fun-house mirrors of my mind.

I remember screeching halts that came and never went.

I remember straining to hold and the muscles turning white.

I remember being petrified to make a sound.

I remember hearing footsteps crush the hallway,

and the moment I realized it was the beat of my own heart.

I remember listening to music for falling off cliffs.

I remember pulling threads from my eyelids like tricks from a tophat.

I remember the poison never leaving my lips.

Remember sucking my own marrow dry

Remember lending every last possibility to god, begging, "Please let that not be the sun rising."

I remember shrapnel going for a ride in my spine.

I remember the heat at night and street lamps pressing themselves into the sky.

I remember being impressed with life as much as the mess.

Remember white chunks of earth reaching upward from the ground.

I remember gymnastic tricks of light, and thanking the universe for its gifts.

I remember breathing in the sweat and soot of forgotten things,

and never learning to ask for something better.

I remember a confused cornucopia of desires reaching out their tendrils in the dark.

I remember my permission lingering somewhere close to where I

might have left it.

I remember scratching every gift I ever unwrapped.

I remember being fascinated.

I remember the echo of imagination through empty space.

I remember the moment I understood that innocence is only remarkable to

those who've lost it.

I remember my memories never finding peace.

I remember being calmed by what I could not explain.

I remember melting pixels into liquid.

I remember them hitting the veins.

I remember confusing abuse with freedom,

and shrinking too small for my own skin.

I remember diastolic earthquakes.

I remember the last time I ever felt satisfied. I remember it being too long ago.

I remember scattering like ash into a sidewalk gutter.

I remember that being the day I knew I'd had enough.

8/31/04