My World has Folded in on Itself: Articulating Psychosis

An essay on the experience of mental illness and incarceration, by a inmate with a history of psychosis

I can compare it to a feeling of fright that continues unabated. Have you ever been startled by a scary movie or suddenly surprised by someone? Well, initially there is a feeling of the heart skipping a beat, adrenaline pumping, constriction of
the chest, blood goes to the big muscles and the fight or flight response is generally engaged. Now imagine that not shutting off, and continuing night and day. Now, repeat that ten times and you would be experiencing the worst episode I ever had. It is basically pure fear.
So what could I tell someone who encounters me when all I hear is “wa-wa-wa” like the adults in “Peanuts?” The only dif- ference is that Charlie Brown understands those adults. I do not understand you. I am freaked out. My world has folded in on itself and I am filled with fantastic delusions. Every- thing has a warped sense of meaning. It would seem a helping hand or friendly words might help. However, I become so paranoid and afraid that the best thing is: to leave me alone, but show compassion, use slow words. I am delusional, not stupid.
What I can’t stand and what makes things worse are threats and demands. I really resent having to be placed in hand- cuffs. Yes, when I am rational and normally functioning I can understand this is part of procedure, but I do not agree with
it and furthermore I am not acting/thinking rationally. So, optimally I would like to be caught ever so gently like in a gi- ant butterfly net, if I have to be caught. But pepper spray and baton strikes just prove to me you want to hurt me, whether or not you do and I get set off all the more by the threat of those.

I am a person who honestly believed my cellmate was an an- droid and I made him lift his shirt to prove to me he was real. So, if I have doubts about a real live person – there is no way I can understand your threats. What I cannot understand is how if I have not done anything wrong why I have to put my hands behind my back so I can be escorted to Mental Health for help.
Let me explain. Hands are a vital link to the outside world. We feel with our hands. Our hands bring us integral informa- tion to help us stay in contact with reality, which we so desper- ately need if we are experiencing a psychotic episode or mania. We talk with our hands and with our hands cuffed (and this is especially true for the deaf) we are effectively gagged. We may not be able to talk, but an open hand can communicate, “Stop! You’re hurting me.”
This is all the more reason custody officers should be trained to handle mental health patients, and not just operate with the old manual, which encourages officers to use force and ask questions later, because most officers if they see someone acting weird think they must be on drugs. Unfortunately, seemingly the only tool that correctional officers can avail themselves of is to restrict movement or use restraints. How- ever, forcing and attacking mental health patients (and then blaming them for their own defensive violence) is hardly wise. Unfortunately this seems to be the norm, especially for untrained staff.
– K.D. 

Source: Prison University Project newsletter, October 2013